Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
