i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Someone shattered a urinal.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
