i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
