i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
