My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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