we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
