Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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