i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
