I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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