Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
