So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
