and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
