im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
