I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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