Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
