So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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