im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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