walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
