why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
