I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
