im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
