To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
