Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize