i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
