i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
