He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
