I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
