who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize