I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
