i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
