Kiss
Puke
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
