Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize