either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
