I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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