I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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