I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
