Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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