he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
