Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
