I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
