I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
