Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
