Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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