he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
