So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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