Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
