grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
