So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
