Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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