His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
