she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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