They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
