Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
