I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
