I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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