Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just cropdusted the office
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
