Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
