And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
